Other stolen memories suddenly surfaced & book editing…

An addition to my blog post… Going home – posted 15/3/2019 

I just don’t get how my memory works… it’s like my memories become divided into segments and get stored in different compartments in my head, and they don’t quite connect or flow together like they are supposed to, and they don’t surface when they are meant to either… it’s so disconcerting and can be very embarrassing at times also.
 
The day before yesterday, a very dear friend of my sister Anne’s, commented on one of my posts and just seeing her name there, brought a beautiful memory back to me that had been blocked for some unearthly reason until then.  I just can’t understand it because it’s an important memory and one I wanted to share, but with the stress of the flight home from Salt Lake City, that beautiful memory somehow became separated from the flight memory and the flight after-affects once I was home and was completely hidden from my conscience until now.
 
Kind company and friendship at the airport
When Brie dropped me off at the airport in Salt Lake City and the wheelchair-assist lady took over, she took me to where I was to wait for the boarding call and left me there.  That was an anxious time for me as I felt quite alone… and what if I needed the loo or got thirsty or hungry?  I’m not good with crowded places like that… I felt exposed and a little scared… scared of the unknown and the hours of flight to come also. 
 
Next thing, Joan, my sister’s dear friend appeared by my side.  She works at the airport and heard that I would be there, so she came to find me.  I had met her for the first time at my sister’s funeral.  Over the years, my sister had shared so many stories of their beautiful friendship, so I felt safe with Joan there.  She was so sweet. I could have walked, but she insisted on pushing me around to visit the airport shops and bought me the most delicious sugar free treats and cheese strips and something to drink, to keep me going on the flight… to be quite honest, she spoilt me, and it was such a blessing to feel that much comforting love before the flight.  I’m sure my sister sent her so that I wouldn’t be alone there.  I think she took me to the loo also… I can’t really remember much more than her genuine friendliness, being in the shops with her and being spoilt.  I remember nothing else other than being on the plane and what I recorded previously in the “Going home” post.
 
Joan, if you read this, I want you to know what a blessing your kind and friendly presence was that day.  Thank you so much for all the years you were such a special friend to my sister and for being there for me at the start of my journey home last month.  Bless you ♥
 
I met other lovely friends of my sisters at her funeral, but I can’t remember their names.  They were so friendly and came to sit and chat with me while we were in the open-casket room.  I remember being so grateful to them for talking to me.
 
Beautiful pendants
Another dear friend of my sisters, Dani, had given me the most beautiful butterfly pendant when I met her also for the first time at my sister’s funeral.  With it was a very special story she had written… I absolutely love her gift to me… I love butterflies, and this one has wings made up of colourful flowers… such a happy pendant.  I just love her also for being my sister’s very special friend over so many years.
 
For Christmas, my oldest son gave me a beautiful heart shaped pendant, a most gorgeous blue-black Adventurine stone… it looks just like a nigh-time sky speckled with beautiful, shining silver stars.  I love it, because my favourite saying for my son, is: “I love you like all the stars in the sky”… so it was very fitting that he gave it to me and I love it all the more as a result.
 
I still have my lovely star pendant, the one that my dear friend Rina gave me many years ago for my birthday and amazingly, she unknowingly gave it to me at the exact same time I was writing one of my metaphorical therapy stories, “When the Stars Fell Out of the Sky”… that story is all about making, breaking and keeping promises.  I do hope that one day I will find a way to publish all my stories.  My star pendant and my daddy’s watch have been worn to all my Logotherapy presentations and wherever I feel I need a little extra courage.  Its’ chain is very tarnished now and I had to sew it closed at the back so that it wouldn’t open as it had a few times… I would not like to lose that pendant. 
 
But now I have three beautiful pendants that I can wear anytime.  I love that.  I just need to buy a chain sometime for the other two. 
 
I have dear Facebook friend, Lucille, who made me a beautiful tree pendant, but before she could give it to me, her house was robbed and it was taken too!  She is still recovering from that, but has promised that she will make another one for me sometime… I’m really looking forward to that.  I share the symbol of the tree on some of my WhatsApp’s, when I want to silently express to the person, that the message that they have just sent was like oxygen and LIFE to me… I share the symbol of the tree very rarely… it means so much to me and is kind of sacred to my heart.
 
When I die, I will meet my sister Anne at our beautiful Heavenly tree…
 
Lost shoes
Something else I have not mentioned since my flight home is that I have yet to find my beautiful smart sandal type shoes that my sister bought me when she came to visit family in South Africa at the start of 2018.  I keep looking for them and hoping they will suddenly appear, but so far nothing… I’m still hoping.  If they never appear, then I will believe they were stolen out of my suitcase on the plane flight home.  One suitcase was not locked or wrapped.  My niece, Brie, gave it to me while I was packing to come home, because I had no more space in my own suitcase, and she had given me some of my sister’s clothes which took up the extra space.  I now only have smart winter shoes and a pair of raggedy old summer sandals which I have polished to try and make them look better for church.  I loved my sisters’ pair, because they were kind to my feet which often have aches and pains somewhere in them, although my feet are not as bad as they used to be.  My diet changes over the last few years, has really improved my health exponentially for which I am very grateful.
 
Self-editing my book at last (again)
And the best news ever… I am at last, once again working on my book!  While I’ve had a little quiet-time at work, I’ve been making the most of every second to read through my book, doing the last… I HOPE… self-editing on it.  (I’m sure there’s going to be lots more to do before it’s publishing ready, but for now I’m doing what I can).  I’m on page 149 of 202… I’m still hoping to shorten it to about 150 pages, but so far, I can’t see that happening. 
 
I am appealing for someone to please help me with editing and even ghost reading.  Please write to me on pattyskeys@gmail.com to let me know if you can help, and how much you would charge for both ghost writing and editing.  The reason I would need a ghost writer, is because I just feel I need help with the arranging and flow of the many events of my life.
 
When I originally started writing this book… I think in 2011 as a part of my Logotherapy research study, I just wrote whatever came to my mind as it came to my mind and mingled it with Logotherapy… one thought led to another and then another… and over the years, I’ve tried to self-edit the book a number of times and updated as I went along… and then in June 2017, when I only had about 36 pages left to edit, my computer crashed and I lost all my self-editing… it was so devastating, I could NOT face my book again… until last week, when all of a sudden, I got my writing-mojo back to get it done for once and for all.  I am sure my brother and sister and maybe others, managed to inspire me somehow from the other side of the veil. 
 
It has not been easy rehashing over this book yet again! When I got to the chapter about my stepfather and the funeral of my little brother immediately after, it affected me so badly once again.  Intrusive flashback emotions, thoughts and very uncomfortable physical feelings returned with a vengeance!  Strangely though, the whole thing helped me to sleep.  I’d been taking a ¼ sleeping pill each night to make sure I would sleep, so that I could be strong to work on the book, but once I got to those chapters, I KNEW that they had caused me to go into the deep-sleep-dissociative state that I recognised from many times in my past.  A state of mind that feels like I am being pulled into a deep sleep… I feel heavy and even feel as if I’m being pulled into the ground and my bed, by an increase of gravity… it’s a state where even my eyesight goes off… as if it’s also being dragged away, begging me to shut my eyes and just give in, to fall into the deepest sleep imaginable… and unconscious kind of sleep.  I knew that I was going to sleep that night and I did… I slept solid for about 6 hours, got up to the loo, and fell asleep for another hour after until my son’s alarm went off.  Even waking up in the morning was so hard, because my mind wanted me to STAY asleep!  That lasted for three days that I didn’t need to take the ¼ sleeping tablet, but I’ve been having the ¼ tablet ever since, because I could not take a chance that I might not sleep again… I had struggled to sleep ever since the plane flight home, and I feel that I haven’t recovered 100% from that state of mind yet… but somehow, I do believe that the book work is helping to shake me from the plane trip back into a different reality than that of the child who used to fear sleeping so much, because of my mother’s unpredictable wrath that would often drag us out of our sleep for a beating!

​I've done no work on my book today.  My office work has gotten busier with students handing in their assignments before the end of the month.  I can't think straight for the book... too busy today, so I decided that in-between I would write this instead.
 
Well, that’s all for now.  I hope that the next time I write, I will be able to tell you that I’ve gone as far as I can on my own with my book… and I pray that in the meantime, I will be able to find help with the editing and ghost reading.  Please let me know if you are available to help and how much you’d charge if you are.
 
Thank you so much for sharing with me again.
 
~ Panayiota