Spending time with my children… Pure Bliss ♥

​~ Posted 25th September 2017 ~ 
 
Wednesday 20th and Thursday 21st… cooking for the nation!
Whenever I am feeling especially insecure about our financial status, I find myself going crazy in the kitchen.  With all the meat and veggies my friends and family helped us with and the herbs and spinach from our garden, as well as a big bunch of kale my son came home with (a supplier had given all the workers a bunch when he visited), I was able to make a whole lot of pre-packed frozen dinners for my son and I.  More than enough to get us through the rest of the month.  The only problem I’d have now would be to keep myself supplied with fresh salad veggies, but so far, I have been blessed by friends and family to keep going with that until Wednesday thankfully.  I also took the hundreds of tomatoes we’d frozen during the last growing season and made around 40 little packets for freezing, of spicy spaghetti sauce for my son to use on his meals when needed.  So that was two days in the kitchen, where I could think of nothing else but to fill my deep freeze to make sure we would not starve.  Without the loving and kind help we received from friends and family this month, I would never have been able to do that.  I felt so much better once it was done.  I must say that the whole kitchen craziness does feel a bit like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) … I feel very uneasy and cannot rest until it’s done!
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​Spicy spaghetti sauce
(My neighbour loved the taste, so I gave her enough for four meals also)


Thursday, 21th September – Internet down!
Today was my mentor’s birthday and I was not able to wish her until very late, due to an internet connection problem.  I was told that it was all over, so not just mine.  Late afternoon, once the connection returned, I wrote on my FB page:
 
You want to kill me, cut the Internet connection and me off from the world... AAARGH! I couldn't do g-mail... I couldn't go onto Facebook to send my mentors’ Birthday message until late... and I couldn't check in on my friends here on Facebook... my Outlook was on super slow also and even my cell phone was affected... I couldn't concentrate on doing anything else, because it was bugging me so much... thank goodness it's all fixed now... whatever it was!
 
Friday, 22nd September ~ Wonderful friendships
In the morning, my dear friends Noleen and Dhawne came to visit… such precious ladies who always cheer me up with their nonsense.  Later in the day, Noleen visited with a gift of fresh salad veggies for me and even some veggies for my youngest son.  What a blessing of love.
 
My daughter visited in the afternoon and brought lunch for us to share.  We had such a lovely time together… real quality time is how it feels to me.  Spending time with her every so often, keeps me going.  She always leaves me feeling loved and with a real sense of reassurance of our every growing friendship and love for one another… a warm and reassuring connection that remains in my heart, even when we are apart. 
 
She visited me with lunch also on the 8th September and after that visit, I wrote on my Facebook page… “It was wonderful seeing my daughter again... it always is... what a celebration of my life she is to me” ♥
 
Drainage wall completed:
Our kind garden helper also came to complete the little drainage wall and concreting he had started (I can’t remember what day he came), even though he knew that I could not pay him for the job… he insisted that it was service and he wanted to help… so now, our garden is all ready for the next rains and the floods (like a raging river) that used to devastate our vegetable patch… it will no longer be able to.  (I would love to show you a video of how bad it has been in the past.)  Thankfully, my son heard that this kind man had been helping us with the drainage build, so he left him some money for me to give him and he was very happy about that unexpected surprise.  I am so grateful for his work… it’s going to make such a positive difference and it looks great too.

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Sunday, 24th September ~ A visit to my daughter and son in law
After only 6 hours sleep Saturday night, an hour attending church Sunday morning (I should have napped then), a short nap after church (too late) I then had such an awesomely, wonderful, brilliant afternoon at my daughters and son in law's in the afternoon, braaing and chatting.  We sat out in the sun... a perfect spring day... I felt so relaxed and content by the time I went home, it was just what the Dr ordered, even though I was still very tired from lack of sleep the night before and probably also from all the lovely sunshine and fresh air… it was truly a prefect day.  My daughter also gave me delicious left-overs from the braai (barbecue) and more salad veggies, so Monday and even Tuesday this week is totally covered for my lunchtime and maybe even Wednesday… so all’s looking good for getting through this month so far, thank Heavens. 
 
That is one thing I’ve always said… we have NEVER starved.  Somehow, the blessings always, ALWAYS come. 
 
My car:
While I was at my daughters, my son in law took a look at my car’s engine, because it’s boiling after short trips again now that the warmer weather is here.  He thinks it could be the thermostat and will organise a new one for me, because I have a few long trips lined up over the next two weeks.  He is incredibly willing and helpful and makes me feel loved… I’m so happy he’s in our lives and that my daughter has been so blessed being married to him… we all have.

Scary incident:
Late in the evening, sometime before 9pm, when I was most tired, I received a call to pick up my youngest son from work (their transport is broken)... a very scary, especially at night, isolated far-away from home place!  I had to go there the night before also and take him to work early on Saturday morning also… my poor nerves… and my petrol is dwindling faster than I would have liked, because we still need the use of our car until payday.
 
I arrive at my son’s workplace just before 9pm.  He was sitting in a car with one of the workers who kindly waited with him for me to arrive.   My son then got into my car and his friend drove away.  It was so eerie with the shop closed and in complete isolation… (a farming area).  
 
As we were about to drive off (our pillows calling), I noticed an African lady standing all on her own in the darkness near the shop with her two bags.   My son and I agreed that we couldn’t in good conscious just drive away leaving her alone there, so we went to ask her why she was there so late.  She said that she worked in the area two days a week and she was waiting for a lift to take her home.  We told her we’d wait with her.  We had asked her if she lived in a safe place we could take her too, but she said no… she lived in a township and it was not safe.
 
While we were waiting with her, a taxi drove slowly around the corner towards us… driving into the shops parking area at the opposite end to where we were parked…
 
INSTANT HIGH ALERT!  This is South Africa where lots of armed thefts and hijackings happen… I was worried!
 
The taxi turned around slowly and waited there a few moments… Even though I could not make out the faces of the people in the dark, or how many people were in the taxi, I never took my eyes off of them and was ready to start the car and take off… hooter blaring… I instructed my son to get my phone ready to call the police…
 
After a few seconds, the taxi turned back the way it came and slowly started to drive away… but it kept stopping, as if the driver was “thinking about it”… and eventually drove away.
 
I worried that he might have called someone about our car “a sitting duck” ready to be taken…
 
But then… once he drove away, another thought came to me… “Is it possible, that he really did take the wrong road when he came our way… maybe saw the African lady sitting there and realised we were waiting with her (I had invited her to sit in our car, but she said she was happy where she was)… so, maybe the taxi driver thought for a moment about offering to take her home, but worried that we might be worried if he came any closer.  He might have known we would be afraid. 
 
Anyway, imagining that the taxi driver had good intentions, helped me to feel a little better, but very shortly after, I still felt we could be in danger and asked the lady if we could rather drop her off at the near-by police station so her lift could pick her up there instead.  She agreed, saying she’d ask the police to take her home.  So, we took her there and waited for her to go inside before we drove away.
 
Monday, 25th September
The whole incident left me on edge… a sense of DANGER still with me!  Only 4 hours sleep last night... nerves on fire... mind crowded with intrusive thoughts... nightmares I can't remember... and a blow-out day of exhaustion waiting for me!!!
 
I needed today... with sooooo much to do (too much)!  Still struggling to get my work back on track... still feeling as though I am failing everyone because of the negative results of the computer crash... seriously feeling like I'm heading for a nervous breakdown at times... students’ portfolios coming in for me to mark now... two last week... many more to come.  I absolutely LOVE marking their portfolios, but I feel as though I just can't do this all on my own this time… and I have no option… I need the money to live and I MUST make this mess right… NO EXCUSES!  Someone qualified, did offer to help me with marking the portfolios, but at a cost, so I cannot accept.  We need every cent for survival at this time.
 
But still… I WANT TO RUN!
 
A friend responded on Facebook when I wrote about it all:
Keep your chin up, my friend. You can only do what you can do. I know you do your very best every single day and nobody can expect more of that from you ❤️
 
I replied: 
Thank you dear friend... it's so hard. It would be easy if people were patient with me and I somehow felt upheld during this struggle... but about three students have expressed slight irritation at something they may have sent before that might have gotten lost somewhere in the hundreds of e-mails in three different addresses now... I’m still trying to cut it down to only the new Gmail I made especially for the institute... but Gmail doesn't work like Outlook, so that's created huge problems for me too!  I need more time, but there isn't enough hours or life left in me for each day...
 
I feel like I shouldn't take time off to visit family or rest... I must just keep going until I get things sorted out again, but when anybody shows that they are irritated with me, I immediately lose all sense of worth and my abilities are drastically reduced… my memory is reduced to ashes and I become the dithering idiot I was always told I was as a child and that makes things even harder... I seem to lose my mental capacity... my staying power... I literally crumble under the weight of feeling as though I have failed them... and then that grows to... I have failed EVERYBODY... Nobody loves me... everybody hates me... and I'm eating worms again... AAARGH! 
 
Sometimes I literally HATE ME!!!! 
 
I finished off with: 
Anyway... I should switch off here... I'd rather be sharing all this on my blog... I want people to know how hard it is to keep going in a wold where one feels like they don't really belong as a result of child abuse, and no matter how much love comes in... it just takes one irritated person to shatter all that love into pieces and bring back my ugly past in full force... (tears!)
 
If anyone reads my blog posts... please comment there rather... because my blog is where we can work together to help other adult survivors of child abuse most, as well as people who are in the lives of the child abused person… (so they can understand and help them better)… and hopefully also, my writings will reach the abusers of children, so that they can become fully aware of the impact their cruel and heartless, self-indulging, self-serving actions are having on the entire lives of their victims… and that maybe this will help them to find a way to their own healing, to turn away from hurting and destroying the innocents of this world.
 
I have up to 800 blog views a week (and that’s without promoting my page due to lack of funds) ... so hopefully it means that someone out there is being helped.  You can use a pseudonym to comment... that way I won't even know who commented... or let's put it this way, I haven't worked that one out yet and don't have time to.
 
Please, where possible, comment on the blog post rather than sending me e-mail comments, as some comments are very valuable to the message that I am trying to get out about the awful, destructive and life-long, life-stealing, soul destroying effects of child abuse.
 
Another friend wrote:
My precious friend, I really understand how you are feeling... Unfortunately, your students are going to have to be patient with your computer crash etc... You had no control over that & have tried your best to get up to date & do what you need to do... Sometimes people can't see as far as their noses... You deserve a break to be with your family... It's going to help no one if you have a nervous breakdown... Please be kind to yourself... You are human & people need to understand that too... You are doing what you are able to do... You are precious my friend... HUGE BIG HUG for you from me... Thinking of you... Love you lots ♥ 🤗
 
And I wrote back:
Love you lots too my dear friend... thank you for your care. I've tried so hard to do the right thing... be professional and all, but this is a situation where it's not possible. How do you explain to a student when they've already sent you something more than once, that their previous letter might be lost on one of the three e-mail addresses... or my memory has caused me to forget something important... stress is stealing more from me than I have left over to give back... I'm trying my best... but feel like a total fool in the process... it's one of those situations where more is expected than can be achieved quickly enough to make a positive difference or a come-back... HUMPH!
 
My last words for today:  
May I ask please, that anyone following my blog, please don't embarrass or pressurise my children with whatever you read here? Leave my children out of it please. If they want to read what I share they will do so on their own. My children ARE there for me. Nobody needs to tell them to visit me, because you read on my blog that I'm not well or something like that. They stay in touch, support and love me and I know it and feel their love... and that's all I ask for or expect from them. I know I can call on them any time I need to.

Thanks so much ♥
 
~ Panayiota