Still Cutting Deep… But, Still Getting Up and Going Stronger than Ever!

~ Posted 7th March 2018 ~ Just journaling

Thursday, 1st March
The doom and gloom anxiety from the day before continued all day… most uncomfortable, but keeping busy really helps.
 
Friday, 2nd March
A day of sadness with a sense of deep loss depression, even though I hadn’t lost anyone.  My mind is still unable to put triggered emotions into perspective… it’s something I need to work through when this happens, by keeping busy and working on making sense of not only my emotions, but the reality of how they came about (what triggered them and why?) and taking stock of where I really am in my present adult-world scenario, then working on what to do about it all in order to keep working in the direction of emotional intelligence and healing from my past… my life quest!
 
Healing is an “active” process… one can’t just sit back and hope it will just happen… and we can’t just “let the past go” as if it never happened and our triggered reactions to it today are all just an illusion!  There will never be any healing is we don’t acknowledge our pasts and actively work to understand ourselves by tapping into our realities to help make sense of it all.  Thus, it is important to work on ways to fix what has been broken in us, or at least learn how to soothe old wounds and learn to live on in spite of them.
 
We cannot allow the abusers, bullies and controllers of our past to continue to rule over our way… We have to take charge and rise above what was, to allow what could be and what should be to take over and prevail.
 
Saturday, 3rd March 2018 ~ Debilitating flashback trigger
On this morning, I had to leave my home to go pay my municipality and telephone bills at the Post Office and post a replacement book there for as student who had lost hers. 
 
As I was walking towards the Post Office from my car, a weighty man leaving the grocery store tripped and fell flat on his face.  Two people in front of me rushed towards him to help him.  I also wanted to go help, but as I saw him fall, my heart began to pound fiercely and I was overcome with a surge of tears from inside of me… I wanted to burst into tears. I knew that seeing this man falling was a trigger to yet another flashback from my past.  Being a small child and seeing my mother collapsing and fitting… seeing her being rushed off to the hospital in an ambulance so often… this must have created the sudden deep and overwhelming surge of inner tears.  I knew right there and then, that if I was the only person there, I would not have been able to help the man without crying as I tried.  I was literally incapacitated by a feeling of real fear and dread and a desperate need to let the trapped tears out… I was trapping them, because I knew that a 61-year-old woman bursting into tears because a stranger fell would probably look ridiculous… and I had a responsibility to get my posting and payments done.  I desperately wanted to run to help the man, but as the two people were there already, a man lifting him back to his feet and a woman checking that he was alright, I gave myself permission to carry on with what I had come to do.
 
I walked into the post office and had to wait for two people to be attended to there first.  I felt so anxious and uncomfortable as I forced the tears to stay inside.  Twice I walked to the door to see if the man was still there… he wasn’t… but I needed some kind of closure… I needed to know that he was going to be ok.  I felt physically ill in not knowing and it took a good while before my racing heart settled down again… (suddenly thrown back into my past and then gradually surfacing from it again).
 
Fear of losing my car again
From the Post Office, I drove to the PostNet about three kilometres from my house, to post a student’s study pack there.  I also needed to go and do a little shopping at the same centre, because I had received my salary and we desperately needed groceries again. (we had only gotten through the month, once again, due to the kindness of dear friends and family) 
 
As I arrived in my car outside the Post net, I waited for a man to pack his car from the trolley and drive out so I could take his parking.  I was aware of a white car, stopped and waiting behind me.  I wondered why they never drove past me to find another parking.  When the man finally drove out of the parking, driving through another open parking in front of him, I drove through the first parking space to the second one so I wouldn’t have to reverse out when I left… much easier for me.
 
I sat in the car for a few minutes, sorting through my papers and bag to make sure I would find my card easily once inside the shop, etc.  I was aware that the same people, had taken the parking behind me and had not gotten out of their car yet, but I didn’t let it bother me too much, other than to make sure I had the handle of my bag wrapped tightly around my arm before climbing out of the car.
 
As I was passing the white car, filled with five men, the driver asked me if I wanted to sell my car… a flashback again to a similar incident that happened in my past… before my last car was stolen!  I responded with a “No, I’m not, but thank you for your patience while I was waiting for the parking”… I can’t remember what he said after that… I know he said something else about my car.  I felt so uncomfortable walking away from my car, knowing that they were right there behind it, but as I walked away, they reversed out and drove away slowly. 
 
Once inside the PostNet, I found myself constantly glancing back at my car.  I wanted to ask the people inside the PostNet to watch it for me… but there were a lot of people in there, so I felt shy to. After PostNet, I needed to do my shopping. 
 
All the way through the shopping, I found myself worrying about my car… would it be there when I went back to where it was parked?  I also felt “watched”… so kept the handle of my back wrapped tightly around my arm all the way and guarded my bag between myself and the trolley.  I was aware of how hypervigilant I was feeling, and knew that it was a “past reflex”… tried to distract myself from it, but it was too strong for me… I was worrying too much about if my car would still be there.  I was also angry with myself.  Why hadn’t I taken the other car’s licence number?  I should have asked someone if they knew what kind of car it was… etc. 
 
Walking back towards where my car was parked, I tried to stare through all the other cars to see if the blue of mine was still there… it was ridiculous… looking to see if there were people standing around… could it be them… etc.
 
I was so relieved to see that my car was still there, and once safely inside with locked doors, I found myself searching the other cars around me to see if that white car and its occupants were waiting and watching me… Would they follow me home?  I felt extremely unsafe… driving home, I checked all around me up and down the roads I was crossing, in front and behind… were they following me home?
 
My world has never been a safe world… it reminds me of the poem I once wrote… I’m sure I’ve shared it before, but here it is again:
 
TORTURED SOUL!
© All Rights Reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I am a tortured soul wondering lost
In a vast wasteland of my forgotten past!
Catching glimpses of
“It’s” burning scorching plains,
Where hope is lost in the endless torment,
Of billowing black smoke and scattered ashes.
Nowhere to turn!
Nowhere to hide!
Nowhere to run!
For each road keeps bringing me back
To where all this pain belongs!
I cannot escape its blazing snare!
This endless punishment –
For some dreadful sin that I never committed!
It was not even mine!
Yet, I must suffer this burning hell!
That will not stay with the one who created it!
The one who deserves it most!
ABUSER!  RAPIST!  THIEF!
You stole my childhood!
You stole my freedom!
You stole my happiness!
You stole my health!
You stole my friends!
You stole my portion of LOVE!
And I am forced to live on in your land of horror!
While you are free to go on with your evil ways!
Who else have you already sent here?
Who else knows how terrible this lonely anguish feels?
 
~ Panayiota
(Sunday, 28 October 2007 – stepfather abuser)
 
"Death of A Thousand Cuts: Young People and Trauma" ~ Amanda Robins
https://www.therapyroute.com/article/eBeAfHtXsYpvZbTb6
 
THE FIRST CUT IS ALWAYS THE DEEPEST
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za 

Little girl, once innocent and sweet
Ripped apart for his panting need
In tear soaked emptiness... left to bleed
Forever, drifting on a far and distant plane
Never to return again
Lost but still alive... she will survive!

~ Panayiota

I was a very tortured soul for many years of my life, but today, I’m still moving forward… handling situations like these I share on my blog, far better than I ever did before Logotherapy found in in my 50’s, so, even though I still have these triggered moments and struggles, I live with such gratitude for how quickly I am able to surface after each episode and still keep on keeping on. 

Regardless of the struggles that still persist, I love my life today and would never want to go back to what it was before… and I believe that there’s still more growth and healing to come for me, so that spurs me forever onward and upward… I will never, ever give up!

I am truly grateful for my life as it is today…

Thank you for sharing with me.

~ Panayiota
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Blog posts to come… I still want to share news about how my garden has blessed us this season, and I also have a few more interesting Logotherapy Dream Interpretations (LDI’s) to share… I hope to find time soon.  Please watch out for those.