THE AWFUL MISTRUST WALL

​I actually finished this blog post, before the last one about my sister’s passing.  The more I tried to write the last blog post, and the more I ached and cried over the loss of my Anne’s incredible support and her unconditional love for me, the more I also ached over the losses I’d already experienced in this world, because of people whom I think I loved too much.  People who had somehow (even inadvertently) succeeded in making me feel unloved, unwanted, unneeded and rejected in one way or another…
 
(Book: “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood) A lady at our church once did a talk on this subject to a group of women and gave us each a handout that she had compiled from the book… that little handout was lifechanging, because it showed me what one of my major struggles were.  If I can ever find that printout, I will share it on my blog.
 
So, this blog post I am writing now, is one needing to be written NOW (18th February)… it has kept worrying me so much that I had to write it first, before I could give my full attention to my sister’s one, because I could not rest while it has been weighing me down with the emotional pain it has been causing me.  I will post this one though after I’ve finished and posted my sisters… and then, as soon as I can find time again, I will finish my writing about my sister in another blog post.  When that’s done, I hope at last, I will be able to rest from all this (raincloud over my head) emotion… perhaps that will be what “closure” will mean for me.

​I understand that they probably never meant to make me feel that way… it was never their intention and that they might have already been giving me all that they had to give… but because I still struggle with living with childhood fantasies of their True Love, and how I always imagine it should look like and be, they were not able to give me what I was missing… (what was either never given to me as a child, or taken away from me during my childhood and beyond.)

I once wrote:
 
THE MISTRUST WALL
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How strong can a Mistrust Wall be,
That not even my love can pull it down?
I would have thought that my love could pull it down!
My love is strong, very strong!
But just not strong enough to pull down my Mistrust Wall!
 
STRONG AND TALL, WIDE AND STRONG!
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WALL!
 
I put it there myself – Me!
Surely, I can knock it down!
But the pain in my heart is too great!
Too often I’ve felt let down by those I’ve loved!
TOO OFTEN HURT!
 
THE WALLS GO UP EASIER NOW!
FASTER, STRONGER!
 
Every time I see you… I hurt,
I feel the pain all over again,
And another row of protecting bricks
Is placed on top of,
MY MISTRUST WALL!
 
How can I let this happen?
And yet I can’t seem to stop it!
 
THE DAMAGE IS DONE!
The Mistrust Wall is up!
FRIENDSHIPS LOST!
 
Love will soon stop trying to knock down the wall!
Love will give up in the end,
And our connection will be lost!
FOREVER!
 
But I know it’s never too late!
I know there must be a way!
If only I can find it!
I’D KNOCK DOWN THAT DARN MISTRUST WALL!
 
I MUST FIND A WAY!
 
I still need you!
I still love you!
 
~ Panayiota
(4th January 1999)
 
From my experience, the people I built the wall between very rarely come back to it, and if they do, it's not the same anymore, because trust is already too broken on both sides.  They often don't know how to help me break the wall down, or they don't want to, because the reason for me putting up the wall in the first place proves to be true.  So, most of those awful walls stay forever... sometimes they become vaguely transparent for a while, but they rarely come down.  The loss is very painful (I experience it as a death in most cases), and the longings seem to be forever...
 
Until I once again reach finality of that “What’s the use?” place again, where I learn to let my longings go, because my pain is too much to hold on anymore... and when I do that, there's no longer a way to penetrate that wall from either side... THE END...  :'( 
 
I’m working hard at not building the walls in the first place… but they seem to happen so easily sometimes, in those places where I LOVE and I NEED most, and where I expect and long for love to be the most… and for some reason or another, can’t seem to find it there. 
 
This awful wall building, self-destructive behavioural pattern takes away even the little goodness and togetherness that could have stayed… The better than THE NOTHING part of the relationship…

​But, unfortunately, I am in the ALL-OR-NOTHING phase of my life… NOT a good place, I admit, but I’ve been hurt too many times in the past by those who should have, and those I believed should have loved me… and today, by those who I believe should still be able to love me beyond my emotional weaknesses and outbursts. 
 
It takes me a long time to reach the point of outburst… it takes a whole lot of pushing through the feelings of being unloved, judged and rejected, to the point of eventually pushing me over the edge of my enduring strength.  It takes a whole lot to get me to that place of giving up on my “fantasy” of what should have been… what I imagine LOVE should look like.
 
I HATE THAT HORRIBLE, LONELY PLACE AND THE EMPTY-ENDING AND PAINFUL-NOTHINGNESS THAT FOLLOWS IT!

Another time I wrote
 
CRASHING WAVES!
© All rights reserved ~ www.pattyskeys.co.za
 
I’m back on the island of ‘Lost Hope and Lost Dreams’ again,
Where the hundred-foot walls block out all the worlds pain.
Where disappointments and sorrows can’t reach my heart,
Where I find refuge from anguish, by staying apart.
Only, inside these walls where darkness prevails,
My sorrows haunt me, and disappointment ails.
For its empty inside and it’s cold to the bone,
Because no one can enter, and I stand all alone.
The waves on the outside crash relentlessly,
On the walls that were built to keep sadness from me,
Yet the tears on the inside constantly flow down,
And I live in the fear, that still, I might drown.
And no one will know or care when I’m dead,
And the emptiness tears at my heart filled with dread.
For I have so much love still to give to this earth,
Where I’ve known so little since the day of my birth.
 
But no matter how far this island at sea,
Or how tall and strong the walls around me,
My Father has always found a way in,
For He Knows where I’m hiding, and He Cares where I’ve been.
He’s Heard all the cries of my soul to the sea,
And when all else reject, He Stands Steadfast by me.
For His Love is Eternal, and His Friendship is True,
He helps the walls crumble when Hope’s Ship comes to view.
He Knows I will sail on it again and again,
Trusting it will take me to the ‘Land of Love and No Pain’.
 
But somehow the storms know just where to go,
And I’m shipwrecked quite often near this island I know.
I’ve been here so often, I’m used to it now,
And still the waves crash on the walls that surround,
And I’ve come to expect their tormenting sound,
Of judgment and persecution, where peace can’t be found.
 
~ Panayiota
(25 March 2003)
 
This popped up on Facebook the other day

​I looked up INFJ on the internet today and kind of identified with what I found there, although I have not studied up on this whole personality concept yet and not sure I will find time to in the near future…  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ
 
A quick insert from the article
 
I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy). [5]
N – intuition preferred to sensing: INFJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities. [6]
F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic. [7]
J – Judgment preferred to perception: INFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability. [8]

​My second son honoured me greatly during a phone call conversation the other day, when he said to me, that he was so grateful that I'd taught him and his siblings to say, "I love you", because he's also noticed how few people are able to say those words to one another these days.  

My son told me about how he is still able to text those words to friends from his past, and recently to one of his closest friends from his childhood who spent a lot of time with us growing up.  He loved that Justin is also able to close off his messages with "I love you brother".  

I never really knew such love as a child, but somewhere along the way, I learned to love... to love very deeply... even too deeply... so for me, saying "I love you", is as natural as breathing.  LOVE is very much a part of who I am.

When I write or say, "I love you", I really mean it from my heart... I feel it... it is real to me.  The only times when I don't write it, is when I feel I might have hurt the person I'm writing to, and I feel unworthy to even use those words that are so sacred to me... unworthy of "their" love... so how dare I insult them with my love... if that makes any sense at all...  

Thank you for sharing with me today
 
~ Panayiota